There is a lot to unpack here. These chapters required some alone time to do some digging and self-reflection.
Chapter 7 - Soul Shrapnel: Repairing Your Emotional Compass
Chapter 7 is all about identifying your emotional wounds. Then taking steps to heal and strengthen those breaks. Beck walks us through her advised steps to accomplish this task.
1. Is to identify what has wounded you.
2. Is finding a witness to share your wounds with. The difficult part here is finding the right person. You need to find someone who truly cares about you, is not too caught up in their own wounds, isn't afraid of emotion, and ultimately can listen to you without needing to fix it. This might be the biggest take away for me in this chapter. These requirements are not only important for myself, but also for when I am a witness for someone else's wound. I will be working on becoming a better listner and learning to identify others that can do the same for me.
3. The next step is getting to a place where you can tell the whole truth. When I take a look at myself I realize how rare it is for me to let it all out. My social self often takes over when I am sharing something that hurt me. Without even knowing it I begin to excuse others behavior. Beck recommends starting out by writing. You can use the prompts, "what really happened" and "how you really feel about it". If you want, you can burn them when your done. I think it is the act of getting them out that will help, even if it is only to yourself.
4. The fourth step is to actually accept compassion from your witness. These can be incredibly hard for many people.
5. Here you give yourself time to heal.
Learning to recognize your wounds and finding the right people to share them with is vital.
Chapter 8 - Reading Your Emotional Compass
Chapter 8 is all about emotions. It is incredibly common not to know what your feeling. In this chapter Beck gives four magic questions to help decipher the tornado going on inside.
What am I feeling? If you struggle to identify a feeling she suggests that you choose from 4 simple categories: sad, mad, glad or scared.
Why am I feeling this way? Once you have your first answer she reccomends you continue to drill down by asking yourself why 5 more times. This will allow you to really get to the heart of the matter. I love this technique and plan to incorporate it into my daily habits in many areas.
What will make me happy? Recognizing that you are the only person who has control over your happiness is the key to this question. If your answer involves the action of someone else, it is NOT the answer. You must go back and find the answer that is completely in your control.
What is the most effective way to get what I want? Once you figure out what you want it is time to figure out how to get it. Brainstorming and reframing come in handy at this point. I love the idea of just letting your brain go free with ideas, not worrying with what is realistic or possible. Just let your essential self brain dump out all the ideas and then go back with your social self and determine what you can do. Once again, your are looking for ideas that put you in the driver's seat.
I really like the way this chapter is all about putting yourself in the driver's seat. I believe this is a recipe for feeling empowered and finding your essential self.
Chapter 9 - Charting Your Course
This is a long, but important chapter. There is a chart provided in the beginning of the chapter that talks about the function of the four basic emotions(fear, grief, anger and joy) as well as what those emotions might be masquerading as. Having an understanding of this chart will not only help me to understand myself, but also understanding other people in my life. Beck gives examples and exercises to identify, and work through these emotions. All very helpful and important, but for me the most powerful section is the exercise on turning victim language into accurate language. As I was reading through this section the bells of recognition were going off in my head. I did not realize how often I use this language. I believe that the language we use with others and ourselves can be very powerful. This is most definetly something I will be working to improve.
I am over half way through my second reading of Finding Your Own North Star am I glad I went back for a second read. My experience so far is different from the first read. I am picking up on things I missed the first time and celebrating the things I have improved on. I still feel that it leans to the dramatic side, but the messages are right on point!
If you are reading along I would love to hear your thoughts and comments.
Happy Reading!