Finding Your Own North Star, claiming the life you were meant to live
By Martha Beck
I read this book for the first time about a decade ago. My kids were in high school. I was no longer teaching and I was anticipating a turbulent period ahead. Not really knowing what was coming, but feeling unsettled and restless. Thinking back to that reading I remember it being eye opening. The concept of essential and social self was completely new. It was early on in my self-discovery/improvement journey. I know it had enough of an impact that I gifted the book to more than one friend.
As I read it a second time I had moments of recollection, but much of the information had faded from my consciousness. The “use it or lose it” principle also applies to personal growth I guess. Although I found some of the writing to be overly dramatic and repetitive this go around, I still think this book has merit and good information. It may no longer be my first to recommend, but it will remain on my list of good reads for self discovery. For me, there are three points to take away. First is the importance of identifying and understanding the essential and social self. The second is learning and getting comfortable with the map of change. And finally, the rejection of one way thinking.
Understanding that there are two sides of you that may or may not align is crucial to moving you forward. Throughout my childhood there was a consistent image portrayed of the angel and devil on your shoulder. One good and the other bad. This was the message of two sides of you that I grew up with. An image that is not consistent with what Martha Beck is speaking to here. She describes the two sides as the essential self and the social self. The essential self is the part of you that exists without influence or interference from outside of you, neither good or bad. The thoughts, feelings and desires that truly are generated from you are the essential self. The social self’s thoughts, feelings and desires are formed by what others have taught or shown you to be acceptable. These two sides of you might be difficult to untangle. For me, I can see now that there is so much I do and have done based on ideas that were ingrained by culture rather than authentically innate. I think this is hugely important to be aware of, so much so, I find myself encouraging my children to question everything I have told and shown them. I want them to feel ok with not falling in line. A complete turn from the way I was raised or how I moved through life as a young adult.
Change is the one constant in our lives. It is inevitable. The final five chapters of the book are devoted to change. Understanding there is a cycle to change, much like the grieving process, can be powerful. Once a catalytic event has taken place to spur change there are 4 phases that one would transition through according to Beck. She describes the first stage as the Death and Rebirth. This is where you let go of an old way of life and begin to think of a new way of living. Next is the Dreaming and Scheming stage. This is when you start visualizing a new way of life and make plans for it. Once you have figured out what you want you can begin to work on the how. This is where the action is, the Hero’s Saga. It can be full of ups and downs, and setbacks that make you question if you are moving in the right direction. Finally you end up in the Promised Land, where everything comes together. This process could take days, months, years or decades. Although it is cyclical, it is possible to get stuck and/or to go backwards. Going through it all you have to remember that eventually it will start all over again. Life is in constant movement. Our goal is to keep moving in a direction that propels us forward. Acceptance and knowledge of this might sound horrible. But, I think that even when you don’t know exactly what you're doing or where you are going, there is some comfort in knowing it is normal and there is a process. Beck does a good job walking through the four steps of her change cycle and giving guidance and exercises to help work through them.
The last of my big take-aways is the abandonment of one way thinking. Beck explains this as the idea that once someone reaches their “promised land” they may be compelled to share, preach or possibly force their approach of happiness on everyone around them. The belief that their way can save others can be intoxicating and blinding, and it is everywhere, not just in self-development. There are no magic pills or tricks in life. What works for one may have an opposite outcome for someone else. It is great to share outcomes with others, but those experiences are not prescriptions of success. If anyone that tries to convince you their way is the only way, be that in self-improvement, weight-loss, parenting, really anything… RUN. There is never only one way!
This re-read has been a really great experience for me. Outside of the material covered in the book it was a great reminder that no matter what you have learned it is important to circle back and refresh every now and then. It also reinforces that how I feel about a book is directly related to the place where I am in my life. Reading the same book at different points in your life will bring about different emotions and reactions. Maybe that is one of the many reasons I love books so much. In the end, I would still recommend this book to someone seeking a new direction or better understanding of themselves. If you have not read Martha's more recent book, The Way of Integrity, I would recommend you check it out.
I hope if you were reading along it was a positive experience. I would love to hear your thoughts on the book and any recommendations you might have. Happy reading!